As I kneel down to pray, my tears flow uncontrollably, God these children you gave me are so innocent and my life is so hard. I can remember the first time I held each of them in my arms and how scared I was. I was not ready for this challenge and I kept asking myself, why would you give me two babies, when I wasn’t supposed to have one? I brought them into an unstable home, hoping they would bring stability to it. But you know, they didn’t bring stability, only temporary happiness; happiness that was so superficial and transparent, everyone could see but me. My eyes were blind, all I chose to see, was this fantasy marriage, which only existed in my mind, because the real marriage died long before it was ever consecrated. So now I am angry, not only with myself but with you God. Why did you allow me go into that situation and come out holding these two babies, walking into the home of my estranged father; how ironic is this. My life was hard, but now it was just became plain ridiculous. Helpless, desperate, turning to my father, a man, I barely knew and thinking my husband, will rescue me from this spontaneous decision, because after all is said and done, he loves us right? I was broken hearted when my husband, the father of my children, the love of my life, did not come for us. The thought was hard to fathom and I struggled to comprehend the question why. Why would he not come for us? Why did he not love us enough? Why did this happen this way? I pictured this whole scenario a lot different in my head. In my mind, I was leaving, but my husband was going to be so hurt & despondent and he would come to the realization, that we were the best thing that ever happened to him. He was going to take the next flight to Florida and whisk us back home with him and our glorious marriage was going to be stronger than ever! Our home was going to be a family, but a real family this time. Unfortunately, that’s not quite what happened. I was left with the realization that I was doing this, this whole mother thing alone. It was a hard fact, one that I was not ready to accept.
My children did not make me strong at this point, I was weaker than them. My thoughts made for sleepless nights and I know God, you tried to comfort me, but I was still angry. Listening to so many voices in and out of my head. God, you began to help me bring the pieces of my life together. You made me see, what I chose not to see and then the pieces of my life made sense and then another and another; when all the pieces where put together, the tears flowed because now I understood. I refused to allow my children make the same mistakes I made, so every ounce of my energy went into making them who I never was. I was driven by my anger, bitterness and self worthlessness; this was my mirror and this was who I could not let my children become. God, so many times, I would fall to my knees pleading for forgiveness from these children, who were too young to understand, what was truly going on. God, how confused these poor children must have been. I wiped my tears away and I vowed to prove that I was better without him. He did not destroy me, if anything, he made me see how strong I could be. I needed him to do what he did, so God could show me, I was strong all along. Dependency put me in a shell, too scared to come out but God brought me out of that shell, to who I really am.
God, I chose not to see my past transgressions. I chose not to let my errors be my future. I chose not to let who I was, walk into who I am. I chose to walk in the forgiveness that you have given to me. My tears of sadness are now replaced with tears of joy. My kids have filled every void in my heart and in my life. My kids do not see the mistakes I have made, they do not see the sins I committed, they only see this strong mom, who loves them and takes care of them. Their innocent eyes see in me, who I could never see. My kids are my strength when I am weak. God, I pray that my children will walk in the path that you have set forth for them. God, when they fall off the path, and they will, help them to see that falling is part of the process and you’re right there, to bring them back. God, may their testimonies bring people to their knees, pleading with you to bring them into your kingdom. May my children be the generation to restore this fallen society. Raise a fire in them, that they will do unimaginable things for your kingdom. God, all of this because I was weak. I thank you for my weakness because it was in that moment, that you gave me a testimony and in that testimony, you gave me my greatest victory, my heart, my loves, my life, my TWINS. Thank you God, this is my prayer. Amen.